I was walking back from a pretty interesting session of World Philosophy and remembered I had to get a copy of Roman Society for my Roman Civilization class. It was hot and I regretted not getting it earlier when the sun wasn't right above my head, but I dragged myself down to the Co-op anyways.
I'm standing at the check out line cursing the co-op in my head for making me pay 50 bucks for a paperback book when this guy comes up behind me and asks how I'm doing in an almost unintelligible voice.
I turn around. Mid twenties, dirty blonde, short stringy hair, shifty eyes (I always look for those - people like that are either really shy or really... untrustworthy), skinny, not tall, and more importantly, invading my personal space. My first impression was "well, so this is what a stoned person looks like."
I back up a little and can barely keep down a look of repulsion as I gave a tight-lipped smile.
Don't get me wrong. I love weird, eccentric people. One time I was walking down the street with my arms full and I dropped some sugar packets on the floor while walking down the Drag and some guy with a long beard and huge metallic beads around his neck and a big, chaotic pony tail and huGe wide legs and cigarrette bent over and picked them up and handed them to me wordlessly. I had thought he was pretty interesting looking, and now knew he was nice as well. So do noT assume that I judged this guy purely by appearance.
It's hard to describe. The moment I saw this guy I began to feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to put it in words, but I didn't like it. I've never felt uncomfortable around people I didn't know before. But this guy was different. Instincts, I guess.
Anyways, I turned quickly around, relieved to see that the girl in front of me was done. I paid for the book and realized the guy waiting behind me didn't even have a book.
ok.. maybe he just wants to chat...
I walk out of the store and notice him following me.. I stop at the stoplight and pray for the 'walk' sign to appear. No such luck. He asks for my name, and I give him my first name. He doesn't tell me his, which made me kinda wary.
"So where did you get that cell phone?"
"from home"
"Can I see it?"
(I put it away)
"Where do you live?"
I decide noT to go back to my dorm.
I stop and pull out my cell phone and pretend to dial while walking. He keeps following. I stop and pretend to engage in conversation with my imaginary friend on the other line. He stops at a nearby newpaper stand and picks up some magnets. Now I'm starting to feel reaLLy wary. He leans in to show me the 'magnets' and I lean away.
I let out a discreet sigh of relief (I never thought I would actually do something so cliche) as the light turns green and I power walk across the street with this guy trotting at my heels like a (stoned) puppy.
"So what's your last name?"
"Wang"
"Are those pants velcro?"
What the f*ck?! why the hell is this m*thrf*cker looking at my pants.
"When did you get them? Do you take classes here? "
I answer with brief, vague answers and walk faster, looking for some building with lots of people to go into.
"So how tall are you? How much do you weigh? 90? 100?"
"no"
"how old are you? Do you have a boyfriend?"
I start to feel a little weird adreneline rush and ask him what the library in front of us is called. He doesn't know.
I go in the main lobby area, and he follows me. I go into the library, he follows me. During this whole walk I'd stopped at various places and he'd always stop with me. It freaked me out. Don't get me wrong. I love meeting new people. But you gotta believe me when I say that there was something very.. off putting about this guy. He looked like the kinda person who's face appears on channel 13 news when some little girl's been disembowled.
I mean, you know me. I am an agressive little girl who's thrilled to be taking kickboxing so I can kick some ass and usually feel that I can handle most situations. But that doesn't mean I walk around campus at night (I make my male friends escort me) or take stupid risks like being friendly to someone I feel verY uncomfortable with.
But In cases like these, my feeling of security overides his feelings.
So I sit at a computer between two people. I feel better as I log in and pretend to check my e-mail, meanwhile watching the stoned puppy out of my peripheral vision.
What I saw freaked me out. He goes up to the front desk and slowly runs his pointer finger over the tape, stapler, pens, etc. that they have up there for students to borrow. He picks up a pair of those black, long scissors with the heavy duty blade and runs his other hand over the blade.
He then walks around the room, poking his head into 'off-limit' storage closets and wandering around with the scissors in his hand, taking off the 'do not that this out of the library' label.
yeah. ok. i'm not scared.
As soon as he's on the other side of the relatively small computer room, I power walk the hell outta there and see him following me out of the corner of my eye. I head straight for the door labeled 'women' and begin to call every guy friend I have. Right now I am officially spooked. A friend agrees to meet me there. After waiting in the restroom for 5 minutes and see him go down a flight of stairs. I go out to the lobby and sit at the bench at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the railing. I envision him coming back up from the same direction and stabbing my unsuspecting back.
I move down the bench and sit against a wall.
Footsteps on the stairs behinds me. I jump.
A man in a similar tan shirt with blonde hair. I subconsciously cringe.
I rapidly scan every guy in the room and every guy that walks within a 30 foot radius of me, pulling my arms close and zipping and buttoning my bag in a stupid attempt to feel secure. Libraries dont' make you feel warm and fuzzy anyways, and as soon as I saw the freak walk out the door and a friend coming in the other door, I ran outside. He had to go to class, so I said I'd be ok walking by myself.
I still didn't want to go back to my dorm, so I am now in the Welch library, a smaller, older, and basically more obscure place. I set in front of a window where I can glance up and see everything (and everyone) behind me and next to the entrance where I paranoid-ly look up everytime someone comes in.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel really.. gross. yucky. icky. and there's something deep down, some repulsion towards that nasty guy that I still can't push out.
Like that time that sub made me stay after class senior year and was all nasty and sitting too damn close. some of you know that story. I felt like a horrible person all day. I felt dirty and was withdrawn and not angry like most people would think I'd be, but ... i dunno. it's not describable. it's just a feeling you get where you are wary of every guy you know and see and just wanna fold your arms around you and have everyone stay away. Before I walked it off coming out of the library, I was actually faintly shaking for awhile.
I feel stupid.

I can imagine some of my more guy-ish friends laughing at me. I mean, they scoff when I tell them I don't want to visit their dorm at 1 am because I don't wanna walk around campus by myself. You know what? FUCK you.
You don't understand.

the other day some friends were visiting from houston and ***** offered to escort them back and forth from the dorms (around 2am). I could tell everyone felt it was really nice and all, but kinda uneccessary. But he did it anyways. Guys like that are the only reason I feel a little better now.

Thanks to all my non-bastard guy friends who are always willing to take me back to my dorm and then walk back to theirs.
It helps a lot.