I am in a complete state of panic.

Ok, maybe not panic. But severe discomfort and discontentment.

This cruel and mocking world has decided once again to kick me while I am down. As if things weren't hectic enough in my life, I have been robbed of the three most precious things to me in this material world:
My Palm Pilot. My phone. My wallet.

I am utterly bereft.

No, they were not stolen.
The Palm Pilot still exists physically, it's just not functioning anymore. It was knocked off the table a few days ago, and I now have to resort to paper planners. OH the horror! It makes me very unhappy to not be able to check my exact schedule a dozen times a day. Spiral planners are bigger, clumsier, you have to flip through them, for heavens sake! and they don't tell you the exact time when you have to do things - you just jot things down.

My cell phone and wallet I'm praying (to whatever benevolent spirit is left in the heavens) I left in my car or in the office, both of which are too far for me to walk to right now, as I have a meeting in 10 minutes.

I didn't realize they were missing until I tried to pay for my food at Jester City Limits. I'd never felt so lost and out of control in my life; I almost broke down and cried in front of the cashier. I had no planner, no money, and no phone to tell me what time it was or to call someone to beg for help. I had nothing. No control. At all. Over anything. I was just a little insignificant person.

I wanted to curl into a fetal position and cry at the cruelty of it all.

Luckily, the shiny business school stood tall and constant in the midst of it all, and there I sought solace in the warm glow of the flat panel monitors and refuge among the comforting words of thy blog.

*sigh*

I miss my loved ones.
Come back to me...

I had another weird dream last night about haunted mansions.

Maybe it's Halloween, or the endless stream of stupid scary movies being advertised lately.
I dreamt I everyone I knew was in this big, unlit mansion. Despite all the room there was, we all had to sleep in separate rooms for the night, which I did not like at all. There were no lights, and we only had candles and lamps.
The only light came from outside, and it was quickly darkening, but I wandered around the mansion on my own anyways, being the foolishly curious minx that I am.
I read this plaque thing that ghosts come out at night (big *gasp*) and started freaking out. Then I read further that the only way to stop them from entering your room while you slept was the make an ink mixture of soot and dry egg noodles (ramen?) grounded into powder and write a big chinese character in your door. But you needed a psychic to tell you what to write on each door.
I went down the hall way to find my parents' room, and begged my mom to hire a psychic. She told me she was not going to spend five thousand dollars on a psychic and told me to stop worrying and go to sleep.
I ran around to other friends' rooms, trying to enlist their help, but they were all unrolling sleeping bags and wanting to sleep. So I ran to the fireplace and scooped up all the ash, then grounded up all the noodles they had in the house into a big pot, and started making ink by lamplight.
I went around to everyone's doors, writing all the Chinese calligraphy letters I could think of to ward off the ghosts, meanwhile cursing myself and wishing I had studied more. But still, I couldn't get to everyone in time, and some people got possessed.
But suddenly enlightened, I ran to the possessed friend and I wrote a character on their forehead and expunged the ghost. He was a watery grey blue color and just looked at me very sadly and floated slowly back into the closet.
I said sorry to him as he turned his back and I woke up.

The weekend was ok. But sooner or later I'd like one day without having to do anything. Not that this is likely to happen any time soon. This weekend is major cramming studying time.

I had a dream two nights ago that George Bush ran against Laura Bush in the next Presidential Election.
They both came to UT to give speeches. When a crowd of people in the front starting 'booing' him, he rode out in a tank and bombed them. People went crazy and started running, and he kept laughing.
I remember liking Laura Bush a lot.
I wonder what this means. either way, Bush sucks.

There were a lot of cute kids this weekend. I went to my Chinese school Halloween carnival, and then Longhorn Halloween to paint faces. Kids are so cute. I think any one who doesn't like kids is souless.

I've decided what I'm going to be for Halloween.

There's an ABSA Halloween party this Friday - except unlike some clubs, we don't always need to get piss drunk to have fun. Everyone is going in costume - I can't wait! IM me for details.

I needed a persuasive speech topic by today, and for the life of me I could not think of something. But I got inspired on my way to school today; I'm going to talk about why you should not give money to bums.

I'd like one week off of school nOW, please.

Wah I am a moron.

I go to an earlier Statistics class this morning because I have to leave for Houston today.
I go sit in the class, and I'm there for at least 15 minutes waiting like an idiot until I realize no one was showing up. Then I remember that her 12 o'clock class was in a different room from her 1 and 2 o'clock.
By the time I walked around, class was already half over. I went back home.

I rode the bus on and off campus for nothing in shoes that were not that comfortable, I have discovered. POO on me. I hate missing so much class! I can't learn statistics on my own. I need lecture, as slow and inefficient as they may be.

POO POOOPOOOOOooo

I had a very realistic dream last night that was scary.

It was about a cricket/cockroach/tarantula/scorpion hybrid.
It was the size of my hand, shiny black, had long legs it could jump high with, but it moved incredibly fast like a cockroach, and had claw things it kept snapping. I can still picture it now; it was reallly scary looking.

I think it stems from A) all the crickets that have been around the past month B) The night I was sleeping and I felt this thing crawling on my foot and I kicked and when I turned on the lights it was this huge cockroach and C) watching Arachnaphobia a few weeks ago.

Anyways, in the dream I was in an apartment not my own - I was several stories higher up. It was dark and the shades were drawn, but there were thin beams of bluish light coming in the from the windows. I was with someone else; I don't know who because the whole time I really only saw their shadow. We were trying to kill this huge bug that kept trying to leap at us and bite our necks or cut us with it's pinchers. It really was a very ugly thing.

The scariest thing about it was that it moved so fast; we could never get it. Eventually I found this big paddle thing and I tried to cut the bug in half with the paddle. I must've smacked it half a dozen times, and each time I could see it flatten a little and some white stuff squish out, but it kept coming after me. I ran all over the apartment, breaking things and swinging the paddle. I remember screaming and asking the shadow person in the room with me for help, but he just kept hovering around and not doing anything.

Finally I cut one of the bug's pinchers off in a downward motion with my wooden paddle and it slowed down a bit. I don't remember what happened after. I think I furiously just smashed it to pieces.

The next dream I had was about me falling or something and smashing my left front tooth. I remember lots of blood and spitting it onto concrete, and when I looked into a mirror half my tooth was chipped off and I had a bloody gash on my gums right above it. It was really gross.

It felt very real, because I remember being genuinely upset that I had to wear those crap braces all those years for nothing and how my parents were going to kill me when I tell them they have to pay for more to save my teeth. It was really bloody.

Another dream I had a few weeks ago I told Jeff and Shanna once before ABSA, was really freaky.

I was in this mansion and all these rich socialites were having a party. It was in England or something. Everything was kind of fuzzy and foggy and everyone was wearing red, grey, black or white. Black and white suits, women in red dresses with pearls; as I looked around the room, it seemed to go in slow-mo in a swirl of colors.

Above the grey stone fireplace with no fire there was this huge portrait framed in thick gold of a portly, red faced old man with a grey beard glaring down at us. The background was dark red. Someone, a butler, I assume, came out to tell us the 'game'.

The rules were that no matter what happened in the next few hours, everyone in the room (about 50 or so) had to continue smiling, chatting, drinking champagne and pretend nothing was going wrong. Those who acted like they noticed anything would be eliminated.

I wasn't sure what that meant, but for some reason that scared me. Soon, this image of a bicycle floated into the middle of the room. A man dressed in a suit stopped talking to a friend to stare at it, and immediately, slashes began appearing on his face and body. Bloody slashes. I woman screamed in the crowd and the bike eerily turned towards the sound and floated in front of her and soon she was dead, too.

By then everyone was freaked out but we all pretended to keep talking. I found out that on the bicycle rode the wife of the man who's picture was on the mantle, and she had died in a biking accident or something one night and her husband had been too busy throwing a party with his rich friends to notice, so this is how she gets her revenge. Ironically, she demanded the guests pretend not to notice the deaths of her friends just like no one noticed hers or else she would slice them up, too.

Is that messed up or what? And I don't even watch scary movies.
As you can see why.

Chris Ha, one of my Brass Ring team members, is very funny.

As I was driving us to work today, this stupid jacked up red truck on humongo wheels roars by me on a very narrow street. I cuss at it, muttering about 'compensation' for his obvious lack of *&#$.

Chris: "Put it this way, Stephanie. For every truck like that you see on the road, there's a petroleum engineer that has a job."

Later today at the office:

Me: "Chris, I'm realizing the older I get and the more I learn about business and politics, the more cynical, bitchy, and power hungry I get. Is that a bad thing? Is this what the business school is training us for?"
Chris [without batting an eye]: "No. It's just you."

Keith, another Brass Ring person, also blogs about Martin, our Team Leader.

"Martin ... He is anti-social and intends to stay that way. What kind of music does he listen to? "I don't listen to music" What books do you like "I don't read" What movies do you like "Besides Gattaca? None" What foods do you like "White rice" Do you wear anything besides black and green? "I think I have a red shirt" Martin I want you to condense what you just said into something coherent and concise "dd-duh-duh" What do you do in your spare time? "I play video games" I see, anything else? "No." You dont... womanize? "No." I see... what video games do you like? :: half hour long answer :: I see..."

Sadly, all of the above is true. Most of the questions were given by me to Martin in an attempt to disprove our theories of him being completely souless.

But like Keith says, "Martin has convinced me even further of his lack of basic elements of humanity (passion, empathy, libido)."

Enough bashing our team leader. Time to work.

Actually, time to work after I finish this delicious Einstein bagel with honey almond double whipped cream cheese that the office has strangely been providing for us this week.
It is wonderful. If they did this every day, I wouldn't mind going without pay. Which I already am.
I think it's a bribe to make us work harder, which I think, in the best interest of PickaProf, they should continue doing so.

Camping was fun. Weather was perfect. more later.
BSO was fun. It was dirty. Nice weather. more later.

"And in the Darkness Blog Them"

This was in the Blogger homepage; I thought that was kind of cute.

Anyways.
I can't believe I don't feel tired at all. It's like last year again. It's like you go past a certain point where you're just not tired anymore. But I know I'll feel like crap tomorrow.

I wish I needed sleep less. I feel so much more productive with a 20+ hour day.
But I've been too damn sick to stay up late, so I've been trying to sleep a lot; that's usually the only thing that gets me through it.

My throat it still sore, and I'm sneezing a lot, but my coughs have that phlegmy feel to it, so does that mean I'm getting better? Whatever. I pray to god I feel better before this weekend... camping. Gah if I'm sick for that it'll suck so badly.

G'night.

I almost ran over this stupid little aZn girl today.

Note: I am little, I am Chinese, and I am a girl.
But I am noT a 'stupid little aZn gurl' - there is a difference.

Anyways, so I was driving into the Jester parking garage when this orange haired girl clad in a pink and white terry exercise outfit steps out in front of my car as I am about to pull in.

I am annoyed, but she is a pedestrian, so I decide to be patient.

Until she proceeds to take almost 1 full minute to cross.
She is talking on the phone, which annoys me greatly, because while I am all for multitasking, if you don't have enough brAIN cells to talk and walk at the same time, don't do it.

As I watch this vapid bitch saunter in front of my car, all the while yakking and adjusting the straps of her over-priced purse, I start to get angry.

Has she no consideration at all?
I mean, you can only take the 'pedestrian has the right of way' thing so far. She could've walked on the side walk. She could've waited a millesecond for me to pass, but instead, she steps right in front of me as I turn a corner. She wasn't doing it purpose, she was just oblivious. But it still annoyed me.

The whole time I'm trying to get eye contact to shoot her some nasty looks, but she's completely unware of her surroundings.

So the second her foot touched the curb of the other side, I revved my engine and shot past her, close enough to piss her off. She dropped her little purple phone in the process, and turned to glare at me. I raised my eyebrow and shot her a 'what of it, bitch' look and she pouted and left.

Am I a mean person?
Oh well.

Lesson: Respect pedestrians (more or less), but show some consideration for the drivers too, dammit.

My throat still hurts but then I started to get really sneezy and sniffly.
My snot is greeN.
That means I'm not healthy. I prematurely cheered for my consistent clear snot yesterday, and now I'm being punished.
Go away green snot.
Take this sickness with you.

I am sick.
My throat hurt so much. I don't remember it ever hurting so much before.
I was getting better, but then I got a lot worse.
I just want it to go away.

another weekend gone

We're having Omar's birthday today.

Me: Hey Chris, let's take this extra purple icing and put it on Omar and lick it off.
Chris: Hell no! (chris is straight)
Me: Hey, Jon, let's take this purple icing and put it on Omar and lick it off.
Jon: YES! Like, right there? [points to Omar's crotch]
Omar: JON! She puts this stuff in her blog!

Then I hear random snips of conversation:

Jon: Omar, don't you love me??
Omar: Jon! get down on your knees!

Thao: You guys make out??
Omar: Yes.
Jon: In the restroom.

Then Omar tries to kick all the girls out of the room.

He really is a Homomar.

Happy [early] Birthay, HOMOmar

ok ok last shanna quote.

we're waiting for the game to start, and there's 2 more minutes left in the Miami and Florida State game on ABC, and shanna goes:

"2 more minutes left? Hurry it up, yo."

I burst out laughing and ask her to repeat what she just said. She does, sheepishly.
We both continue laughing and I run off to my room agaiN to blog her.

heehehehe

Another great quote from the World of Shanna:
We're getting ready to watch the OU game...

Me: something something Chance Mock...
Shanna: something something yesterday... Chance Mock.. IS he CHINESE?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

She figured it coulD've been Chance M-O-K.

HAHAHAHAHA. CHInese quarterback.
funny shanna.

Chris Ha mentioned this quote to me from this movie called Wall Street.

Chris Ha: "You know that saying that 'A fool and his money are soon parted?', basically, Michael Douglas tells Martin Sheen that a fool and his money never should've gotten together in the first place."

That is hilarious.
It represents the ideals of a business person in the worst way. But it's kinda true. It was funny how neither Chris nor I had to say aloud we both agreed to the quote. I guess by admitting that I make myself look bad. But that also makes me a a good business person. So that could be good. But also bad. If that makes sense.

Yum. I bought more incense.

I love my incense. love love love.
I'm buying more tomorrow. The kit I bought only came with the holder and plate and a dozen small sticks. I will buy more tomorrow. It lowers my heart rate.
It's all psychological, but who cares.

I am in a shitty mood.
I'm cranky and I'm tired and so much stuff to do... all this crap that needs attention and so many events loom ahead. I usually like planning and forethought, but all of this is killing me.

I bought this incense stuff with this cute little holder and I like it a lot. I've been burning it non stop. It makes me feel better. Like when I wake up in the morning, I burn one, and I feel more ready to face a crappy long day after inhaling it.

I am addicted. *sniff*sniff*

I want a week long vacation. But there's 2 more months to go.
It never stops.

*someone*: did u really not know this?
*someone*: guys not showering is like so normal
*someone*: like...every guy u see...maybe didnt' shower yesterday
*someone*: or maybe he did.
*someone*: u don't know
*someone*: only he does
*someone*: its not like he didn't put on deoderent
*someone*: or chagne clothes
*someone*: u can't tell...no one can.
Demona848: ewWwww
*someone*: i see u at absa...u accidently touch my hair...that could be one day-not showered hair.
*someone*: or maybe..i showered right before i went to absa
*someone*: u don't know
*someone*: how can u ?
Demona848: EWww
Demona848: i'm blogging this!
*someone*: ...
*someone*: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Demona848: why???
*someone*: damn
*someone*: everyone will think i'm a stinky.
Demona848: hahaha
Demona848: i won't but a name
Demona848: k?
*someone*: ok ok :-)

guess who this *someone* is... IM me

I have so many dreams, and they all tie in the real life in some way. Usually I am stressed by the end of it.

Last night I dreamt I was going to pick up Chris from my Brass Ring group to go to work in the morning. We have work at 10am. So I get to the 'lobby' of my 'apt' ( I dunno why, but I now live in a hotel like place ) and then I realize I forgot my keys. So I go up to get them. But as I enter the elevator, I realize I don't remember what floor I live on. There's this old couple dressed all formal waiting, so I feel bad. I vaguely remember my apt# to be between the 700s and 900s, so I press level 7.

We go up. Soon I am left by myself in the elevators, and I get off on floor 7.
It does not look like an apartment complex at all. In fact, it reminds me of a submarine or something; the walls are metallic and dark grey, the hall ways are extremely cramped. Only instead of soldiers, there are girls everywhere, running around. They must've been unpacking because there were suitcases and clothes spilling out of the rooms. I get very confused and walk around for maybe 5 minutes before I convince myself that I definitely don't remember living there.

I take the stairs to level 8. This time the place looks like a college dorm, brightly lit and painted. I wandered around. It still wasn't my floor. I started panicking, because it was 9:45 and I was supposed to pick up chris at 9:45. I go up another level and it looks like my apt, only it's inside, in a hallway. I unlock the door, and change for some reason... I come out wearing black leather boots and a black leather jacket. I have no idea why.

By the time I get out, I'm 16 minutes late and I feel very bad. I wake up stressed.

Speaking of black leather jackets, there was this very funny conversation I forgot to post the other day with my Brass Ring team members.

Keith: something something James Dean
Me: Do you know who James Dean is, Martin?
(Martin is very apathetic, emotionless, and clueless to social norms. That includes pop culture. Imagine his responses given in a monotone voice with nO element of feeling in it)
Martin: James Dean?
Me: Yes. James Dean. Do you know who that is?
Martin: No.
Keith: White shirt, black leather jacket, motorcycle?
Martin: Sounds familiar.
Keith: Rebel Without a Cause?
Martin: Oh. He was in that, right?
Me: yeS he was the stAR. geez do you know who Marilyn Monroe is?
Martin: uh, she's dead, right?

The rest of us do not stop laughing for 5 minutes.
I can not believe this guy, he is not human. He has no favorite foods, no favorite movies, no favorite books, and when we took the make up accounting test together last wednesday, he did not know the name of his teacher. When asked to describe her, he says "uh, she's female."
After much prodding, he concludes he likes rice a lot. And potatoes. He likes the while interesting, but every so slow 'Gattaca'. He signed up for this internship for now reason. Has no aspirations, doesn't plan to learn from this project. Thinks marketing is utterly useless. #($*)#(%*#()% Has no hobbies outside of video games. Rarely smiles (so the rest of us always make a big deal of it when he does), doesn't get angry.

He is like the opposite of me. Which is why we clash a lot.

We did that Kiersey/Briggs/Meyer thing, and we, as a group, are

Chris ISTJ 'The Duty Fulfiller'
Keith ENTP 'The Visionary'
Martin INTP 'The Thinker'
Me ENTP 'The Executive' woohoo.

Anyways, if you look those up, that is exACtly us.
http://www.personalitypage.com/four-temps.html

Just from Chris: "Hey, can you imagine if Martin were a Feeler? He'd be an INFP."
I like how he basically implied "what if Martin felt things?"

It is funny.
Anywasy, I'm hungry it's lunchtime.

This was on Jennifer's blog:

"what do you do if you've got Mr. Right waiting
and Mr. Right Now handing you his heart..."

I thought it was a very interesting question.
I wish you were coming back for christmas, jenn.

I love the weather we've been having in Austin lately.
Cool, but still sunny and dry, with just the right amount of breezy-ness.
I think we should have a 'fall break' as well as a 'spring break.'
I can't wait till I get to wear sweaters and scarves.

It's amazing how stupid you realize yourself to have been when you look back.

I said stupid things.
Acted without thinking.
Was so unproductive.
Reading old conversations, I just wanted to kick myself, I sounded so dumb.
I really was a lot more of an idiot a year ago.
I'm not saying in a year I won't look back and think the same thing,
but I guess it's good I'm realizing the dumb dumb things I said and did.

I get a lot less angry - I don't know how that happened.
Everything's just more tolerable.
Sometimes I try to get that angry spark going like I used to, and I just can't.

I was talking to Shanna the other day and realizing that I've been just kinda 'blah' all semester. Then when I really though about it, I wasn't more 'blah', I'm just less "ahHH"
Does that make sense?
I just don't feel as giddy or jumpy or frustrated or angry.
Everything's more normalized.

There are less and less opportunities for me just say what I'm thinking and act what I'm feeling,
and more and more events where I just have to suck it up and just 'be a big girl' and just 'act professional.'

I'm starting to feel less and less like a kid, and sometimes I overcompensate by acting extremely childish. But only with certain people. It's like my inner child knows sometimes going on and that I'm starting to have to shut it up more and more and it's getting scared and wants attention.
I guess that's maturity.

I'm not sure if I like it.

The more I think about it, the more angry I am about having to take this accounting test at 7 am.

Is it just me or is it ridiculous?
The buses don't even run at 6:00am. How do they expect us to get to campus?
I almost had to park at my work and freakin' risk getting mugged walking in the cold and the dark.
For some reason I didn't think about how dark it would be.
Thanks michael for dropping me off.

Maybe I'm just whining, but it's ACCOUnting.. and she was saying in class "yeah, you guys are so lucky you get to take it at 7pm, that should be your optimal thinking time."
uh, thankS for making the make-up exam at 7 am then.
It's not the teacher's fault though. Stupid, stupid department.

You can be sure I will be complaining straight to the department head after my test.
I will also make an announcement encouraging anyone else taking the make up test to do the same.
This is BS.
Time to cram for 5 min. now.