I am unhappy.
I sit here all alone, while the other CYC people play.
I was supposed to take Gail, but Jeff came to pick her up because I couldn't drive.
Even my sister is going... I'm allll alone...
Sorry for being grumpy earlier, guys.
I have cramps. I'm in pain.
read this - it's fun; I promise.

My back hurts. I want to saw it with a chainsaw until I stop feeling.
usually this happens at night, and I wake up because it hurts so badly.
then I roll around for 6 hours in agony, praying it'll stop.
I can't sit/lie still for more than 20 seconds cause it feels bad.
It's not continuous. More like contractions during labor.
Tha'ts what it is, really. My back muscle contracting the uterus to release the uterine lining.
It really does feel bad.
Here comes another one...

The contractions are coming closer together..
I wouldn't be surprised if I dilate to 10cm soon.
maybe this is all training for having babies.
damn the male gender.

Little Stephanie's Friggin' First Day of School:

*the following has already been edited twice for uncessary expletives, so if you're still offended, TOUGH SHIT*

#)$&@#)%(*)@#(%@#%
I am SO pissed.
The only class I'm taking this semester that I was thinking might be worthwhile I HAVE TO DROP.
DAMN me for not taking ACC 311 last year.
Now I have to take #($*#)@(%*# Gemberlng for Statistics.
I HATE her.
She 'taught' - yes 'taught' MIS 310 which consequentially, has been deemed SO friggin worthless that the business school is considering revamping/dropping the damn course.
I coulDA learNEd something this semester, but noooOOoo.
It's the only class I bought books for, too..
#($*#)!@
Oh well. I can keep it for next semester. I'm just friggin annoyed.
I really liked Brandl, although he tried really hard to scare the crap out of us the first day. (which worked, because his class which was once closed, is now open. haha. )

My accounting teacher, on the other hand, reminds me of Mrs. Schroyer from high school.
Or a grandmother. But not mine, because my grandmothers are cool.
Being in class with her is basically like this:

She: *tells stupid joke/makes semi-funny comment*

Class: [struggles to emit a half-ass 'heh.heh' so she won't be completELy embarrased]

She: *chokes up another 'joke'*

Class: [stifles irrepressible sense of chagrin and politely coughs up a laugh]

*repeat*
*repeat*
*repeat*
*repeat*
*repeat*

Oh, meanwhile, she's kinda slowly going over our syllabus in excruciating detail.

OH!!! AND GUESS WHAT.
I realize our Accounting tests are on Tuesday nights, and I have CLASS on Tuesday nights.
YAY~
SO guess what I get to do!!
hee hee. *claps and squeals with excitement*

I GET TO TAKE THE FRIGGIN TEST THE NEXT DAY AT SEVEN F****** AM!
While colleges students are slowly laying their wittle heads down to sleep at 5:30 AM,
I will be waking uP, shoveling down breakfast, riding a bus, and taking a test!
WHOOPEEEEeeee for meeee!

OH. and my bus riding experience. BLEW.

I wake up early to go to recruiting for ABSA.
I don't know how to ride the bus. I don't know where our stop is. When the buses get there. Which stop to get off at.
Joe wickedly secures my trust by pretending to give a craP and act supportive,
then makes fun of me the whole time.

I bring yummy Gushers on the bus:

Joe: "hey, you can't eat on the bus. the bus driver lady will yell at you"

Me: "wha? really? oh no!! I'll stuff it in my pocket!"

Jerk: "hahaha. no not really. you are stupid"

Me: "oh."

*bus drives to campus*

Me: "do we get off here?"

Jerk: "why don't you go tug on the bus driver and ask 'are we there yet?' "

Me: [simmers in annoyance] "hey, is it this stop?"

Jerk: "yeah, you can get off here."

Me: [I mentally prepare to disembark]

Jerk: [reiterates] "yeah, you can get off. I'll just laugh and wave goodbye"

Me: " #)$&)@#(%*)#(@%*#~!!"

*classes*

on the way back home...
I wait an HOUR because SOMEONE told me the bus stopped at this one place which it actually DOESN"T; only when people get off there. Little did I know, people don't get OFF there in the afternoon or something. I watch a few buses go by for Wickersham Lane before I realized SOMEONE told me the wrong thing. Either way, I was annoyed. walking back and forth in the sun.

In Conclusion:
I also will NO LONGEr be enjoying, or attending, my classes this semester.
anD
I hate the bus and I hate joe.
I hope everyone else had a WONDERFUL day!

BLOODY.
HELL.

*smiles big*

Today is the first day of school.
I'll be in West Mall earlY for the rest of the week recruiting, though.
for ABSA!
Visit me.
Go to our social mixer -->

I've never ridden the bus before.
I'm scared!
What if I forget to get off? What if I get stuck on the bus for hours and hours?
What if I'm knifed by some crazy person and no one notices and I slowly bleed to death?
What if I'm mugged??
What if I contract some sort of disease?
I've never ridden the bus in Austin before!
This will be fun!

I think my brain is dying.
I need school to start.

Well, there's one plus to having the air conditioner duct right next to my room, and the AC generators right below my window:
The dull roar helps to slightly muffle the car alarm that's been blasting for the past 2 hours.
Someone take pity and donate earplugs?

I realized I eat weird things.
Peanut popsicles.
Hot pot with intestines and pork blood cubes.
I just ate some tofu and bean sprouts plain.
I'm hungry again.
damn rabbit food won't fill me up.

I have decided the stupid instant messenger 'you recieved a message. you sent a message' sound is the single most annoying sound in the world.
I keep hearing the friGGiN 'BU-looloo BU-looloo' sound.
From upstairs.
Loudly.
Over and over and over.

I wish I had a machine gun so I could aim directly at my ceiling and riddle the goddamn computer that is producing those irritating noises with a million bullets. Maybe I'll hit the owner if I'm lucky.
If I ever hear it coming from the computer of someone I know, I will stab your ear canals with newly sharpened pencils until they bleed profusely.

Please, for the sake of humanity, do noT enable your AIM to produce those godawful sounds.
This is a message from the FRIGGIN ANNOYED STEPHANIE board of MY WAY or the HIGH WAY STFU committee.
Thank you.

Geez, declaring a major in business is so easy.
I had to do it for this class I'm taking, and it only took me 1 minute to do it online.
You can change it just as easily.
The convenience of it is almost sick.

I'm in AustiN!
In my apartment.
Sterling University Canyon.
I really like it here.
I'm halfway unpacked.
Ugh. I can hear the neighbor's music. Another year like Dobie?
Oh well.
Time to unpack more and make pretty my room.

Demona848: most guys prefer long hair right
lazybum234: yeah.
lazybum234: only certain girls can do short hair
Demona848: why is that
lazybum234: i don't know
lazybum234: it's traditional
Demona848: yeah. it's feminine.
lazybum234: short hair seems to say...i'm not going to do what u say
Demona848: hahAHahaha
Demona848: I see.

I guess I'll leave my hair long.
Wouldn't want the male gender to think I'm disobedient and unsubmissive to their whims or something.

I had this dream that I was sitting in a movie theatre.
The lights were tinted dark blue, and you could see dust motes swirling in the beam of light shining from one of those very old movie projectors.
It was a vampire movie, and somehow 2 vampires that were fighting each other came out of the screen, only no one noticed at first.
They stalked us, hiding in the shadows and slowly killed the audience one by one. They had stringy black hair and bloodshot eyes. By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late. I couldn't get out. The whole scene was dark blue, as if it was filmed in slow motion under water.
Then I ended up somewhere in an old house and that whole scene was tinted orangy brown. Freddy krueger (all those damn previews) popped up and tried to stab me in the face. I could see from third person those nails slowly sinking into my cheeks like quicksand, but I didn't feel anything. I could somehow deduce I didn't like the feeling, though.
I woke up.
Then I ended up in a movie complex with 17 stories, each theatre had it's own floor - you rode a huge elevator to get to the one you wanted. Your ticket had to be fed into an electronic counter for you to get in the door; there were no people working there.
There were swarms of people. Everyone just went to the movies. They eventually had it so digitized that you could buy your tickets with your credit card (I had just done this the other day), buy snacks, everything, without any human employees.
I noticed it was weird how so many people were in the lobby, but as people started getting separated into their movie choices, there started to be less and less people.
The elevator had no door to close, so you had to be careful not to fall, and you didn't have to push a button for a floor, it could tell by your ticket.
I went with my family, but when I stepped inside the theatre to watch some Chinese movie, they were all gone. There was one other man in the theatre, this professor looking like dude. The seats were large and sofa-like. I sat in the middle, the front row of a balcony. (Yes, they had balconies)
In the middle of the movie, some Chinese army stormed in the door and started shooting. They didn't see me, and I crawled out the exit. The professor guy died.
Then it turned Matrix-y.
All the weird coincidences with these movies suddenly hit me.
I remember having a weird feeling when I noticed all the mobs of people going to movie after movie, day after day, zoning out. The more people that got killed by these movie characters, the more alive the movies became.
That's why there were no human employees - the ones who worked there long enough had to be killed after they found out what was going on.
It was a good plan, society was always more willing to watch a movie than watch the news. The world of fantasy is so much more seductive and pleasing.
I realized I would be targeted next for figuring it out.
I spent the next few months hitchhiking and stealing food for survival, sure that some nameless person or organization was after me. I somehow got a car, and helped other people running from something. I saw flashes of various places; a dinky gas station in a small town, a small, filthy restaurant in a large city, an expanse of meadow, mountain peaks, an elementary school. It was weird.
Eventually I ended up in this bakery where this nice guy showed me a closet door that could take you to wherever you wanted to go. (kinda like the keymaker, I suppose - except instead of a small, timid, chinese guy he was this old, jolly black guy with curly white hair)
I said I wanted to go to safety, where ever that was. So I got there.
I woke up again.
They were all so real.
Have I been watching too many movies?
I wonder where I ended up. Zion?
Hmmmmm...

Raging Aardvark (5:42:48 AM): regarding your recent journal activity:
xanga < livejournal < blogger < movable type

so...
xanga is still down?
Switch over, guys.
Come on.
Everyone's doing it.

www.blogger.com

I'm taking an online quiz and something about the answers throw me off.
See if you can figure it out.

" watching your favourite film "
" falling out with a best mate "
" ring your best friend "
" watch TV whilst being snuggled up in bed "
" concealer, lipgloss, hairbrush, bobble[??], mirror, spritz [??]"
" snogging more boys than all the other girls "

hahahahaha.
gotta love those Brits, eh?

The other day...
AntiGravity7890: xanga is pretty gay
Demona848: Yay
Demona848: Why don't you like xanga
AntiGravity7890: it wont load for any body
Demona848: oh
AntiGravity7890: not even me

Today...
AntiGravity7890: so...ive been thinking
AntiGravity7890: and i think xanga sucks
AntiGravity7890: so..as soon as i get to my new school
AntiGravity7890: im getting a blog

finally.. one by one.. the blind begin to see....

lilg8416: i'm thinking about saying xanga officiallly sucks
Demona848: YAY
Demona848: dO IT
Demona848: convert
lilg8416: nooo not yet
Demona848: cross over
lilg8416: if i cant' get to xanga in 2 days
lilg8416: its on
Demona848: break thy alliance with the dark side
Demona848: no. hesitate not!
Demona848: COME INTO THE LIGHT!!!!
lilg8416: its hard to break away from evil
lilg8416: its soo good
Demona848: *sigh*

I uprooted our Yard of the Month sign and replanted it deep into the mulch surrounding the complaining neighbour's scraggly tree.
Right next to where she didn't want us to park.
I believe the entire neighborhood shall be in an uproar tomorrow.
The New Territory Neighborhood Association shall have a fit that they were thwarted by what they will suspect to be suburban hooligans!
Oh! The scandal of it all!

This morning my friendly neighbor waved to my dad as he pulled out of the driveway.
As he rolled down his window to engage in a neighborly chat, she commenced to berate him for having so many visitors (cyc people this past week) park on her side of the street.
For the love of goD, woman, it was for one friggin week. The other side of the neighborhood has tupperware parties or whatnot every damn weekend.
Besides, we blocked neither her driveway or her front door. SO sorry you have to look outside your kitchen window and see not the uniform lawns and unatural formations of bushes and trees.
Anyways, he apologized and told her charmingly that his daughter was leaving for college in a week, yadda yadda.
I get my high BSF (high bullshit factor) for my daddy.
My mom later told me what happened and said she would call the neighborhood association and confirm that the streets are public and it is legal to park there. "Not to be mean or anything, just so she knows for future reference, right?"
Hahaha. I get my righteousness, "my way or the high way, and I have the evidence to back it up" spirit from my mommy.

Anyways, I was went out to get some stuff and I notice the Offical New Territory Yard of the Month sign on our front lawn.
I laugh hysterically at the irony of it all.
HA. Take that, neighbor lady.
You may have won the Suburban Battle of Parking Spots, but wE won the Best Yard of the Month War.

Geezus.
Maybe she was just jealous.
I hope she doesn't send her little lap dog to uproot the azaleas!

Yesterday, what started as a small lunch and movie gathering in chinatown turned into a 12 hour humungo CYC fest. Lunch to bowling to movie to dinner to video games.
I still have that "there's something missing" feeling. So weird.
I've been clutching my yearbook around the house, thinking I'll read it, but never really doing so. Maybe it's like a security blanket or something... How sad.
I miss the kids and the people so much.
I try not to think about it.

I feel like crap.
It sucks how when you look back, you can so easily see what mistakes you made, and how you should've done things.

I'd like to say I'm sorry I didn't spend as much time with the other groups as I did 9 and 10.
(for those who didn't go to CYC, this probably doesn't make much sense and you should stop now)

I remember in the beginning of the week when everyone was like "what group are you in?" and I had to say "nothing. I don't have a group. I don't belong anywhere."

Everyone thought that was funny, apparantly, and liked to ask me that over and over. At least towards the end of the week when people started to say 'geez you're like a counselor for group 9 and 10' I felt like I belonged somewhere.

I guess that's pretty pathetic, but when I remember walking back and forth the first night checking in on groups and group 6 told me I couldn't play with them because I was just a head counselor, and group 7 told me to go away. Boy did I hate that feeling, even though I know they were just kidding. Group 8 at least laughed at me when I told them to do stuff.

Maybe because little kids make you feel needed.. I clung to that. I liked how they needed help ALL the time in arts and crafts, and constant reminders to do stuff. Part of me stayed with them so much because I really do like little kids, the other part because I was scared I'd fail if the older kids didn't listen to me.

I realize now that I should have put my responsibility above my own insecurities. Thanks for those who pointed it out to me, as much as I didn't want to hear it.
I'm sorry I failed my job by not being spread out amongst the groups more. Really. Maybe I figured it was better to have one group know you and like you more than no groups at all. DAMN me.

Then comes the "I should've been more agressive" part.
I always found it hard to believe that one (especially a girl, for some reason) could be assertive without beling labeled a bitch. It's weird telling people what to do that are the same age as you. Another reason the younger the campers, the better. The older they got, the less they respected you. Even counselors and ACs. I hate telling peers what to do. But I should've more. Damn me again.

But hell. I learned a lot this year. I wish we had another week so I could re do everything again.
Please let me know if you felt I could've done anything better. Any little thing at all. I'd hate to be blind to my mistakes.

CYC blogs that are so good and say everything I wanna say/related to camp:


Shanna
Christine
Connie
Vanesa
Jessica
David
Roger
Kenny
Sam
Daniel
Michael
Jeff
Kevin
Rebecca

If anyone else has one..I'll put it up.

To the girls who crashed Brandy and I's rooms all those late nights and afternoons for 'girl' talks - connie mayann jessica vanesa gail christine brandy wayying (who just listened and laughed at us) - you guys were the only reason I liked the secluded dorms. ^_^

I miss being needed by little kids,
having to go back and forth and back and forth every ji ho to make people line up,
campers jumping on my bed in the morning (not that much though),
having to kill roaches for the little girls with my air freshener (it works so well),
explaining to kids why they have to clean up their tables,
having the older boys glare at me when I made them go to the back of the line,
seeing how old campers grew SO much,
listening to group 7 girls gossip to me about boys when they were just complaining about cooties last year,
realizing how much behind the scenes politics and work there is,
watching even older ex campers turn out to be such good ACs and counselors.
yelling at campers to line up and be quiet during dance/pe/sign language class,
and realizing -
during the week when you see them smile,
at closing ceremony when you see them perform,
and at the end of the week when you see them cry,
that all the sore throats and fatigue and stress was worth it

I miss camp a lot.

ALIAS blackhawk: hey my gorup was a handful to ok
ALIAS blackhawk: good thing sars took some down
ALIAS blackhawk: j/k LOL
Demona848: HAHAHAHA

Everyone is still online. Everyone has a million camp people IMing them.
For the next week until 'reunion' we will be desparately trying to get together and satisfy the addiction we have developed for CYC company over the past week.
Eventually, like in a month, we'll be able to slowly become independent people again, but for now,
we will hang out 24-7, read our yearbooks a million times, and spend hours online!

I'm on CYC withdrawal...
let's go do stuff all week. IM me. I'm up for anything!

ekWeIzN (10:42:16 PM): wow...all the cyc ppl are on

yeah... everyone just got back from camp.
We all probably slept an average of 3 hours last night.
Over the past week probably an average of 4-5 each night.
Yet what do you do when you get back?
not unpack, not eat, not shower.
Get online!!