I feel like crap.
It sucks how when you look back, you can so easily see what mistakes you made, and how you should've done things.

I'd like to say I'm sorry I didn't spend as much time with the other groups as I did 9 and 10.
(for those who didn't go to CYC, this probably doesn't make much sense and you should stop now)

I remember in the beginning of the week when everyone was like "what group are you in?" and I had to say "nothing. I don't have a group. I don't belong anywhere."

Everyone thought that was funny, apparantly, and liked to ask me that over and over. At least towards the end of the week when people started to say 'geez you're like a counselor for group 9 and 10' I felt like I belonged somewhere.

I guess that's pretty pathetic, but when I remember walking back and forth the first night checking in on groups and group 6 told me I couldn't play with them because I was just a head counselor, and group 7 told me to go away. Boy did I hate that feeling, even though I know they were just kidding. Group 8 at least laughed at me when I told them to do stuff.

Maybe because little kids make you feel needed.. I clung to that. I liked how they needed help ALL the time in arts and crafts, and constant reminders to do stuff. Part of me stayed with them so much because I really do like little kids, the other part because I was scared I'd fail if the older kids didn't listen to me.

I realize now that I should have put my responsibility above my own insecurities. Thanks for those who pointed it out to me, as much as I didn't want to hear it.
I'm sorry I failed my job by not being spread out amongst the groups more. Really. Maybe I figured it was better to have one group know you and like you more than no groups at all. DAMN me.

Then comes the "I should've been more agressive" part.
I always found it hard to believe that one (especially a girl, for some reason) could be assertive without beling labeled a bitch. It's weird telling people what to do that are the same age as you. Another reason the younger the campers, the better. The older they got, the less they respected you. Even counselors and ACs. I hate telling peers what to do. But I should've more. Damn me again.

But hell. I learned a lot this year. I wish we had another week so I could re do everything again.
Please let me know if you felt I could've done anything better. Any little thing at all. I'd hate to be blind to my mistakes.

CYC blogs that are so good and say everything I wanna say/related to camp:


Shanna
Christine
Connie
Vanesa
Jessica
David
Roger
Kenny
Sam
Daniel
Michael
Jeff
Kevin
Rebecca

If anyone else has one..I'll put it up.

To the girls who crashed Brandy and I's rooms all those late nights and afternoons for 'girl' talks - connie mayann jessica vanesa gail christine brandy wayying (who just listened and laughed at us) - you guys were the only reason I liked the secluded dorms. ^_^

I miss being needed by little kids,
having to go back and forth and back and forth every ji ho to make people line up,
campers jumping on my bed in the morning (not that much though),
having to kill roaches for the little girls with my air freshener (it works so well),
explaining to kids why they have to clean up their tables,
having the older boys glare at me when I made them go to the back of the line,
seeing how old campers grew SO much,
listening to group 7 girls gossip to me about boys when they were just complaining about cooties last year,
realizing how much behind the scenes politics and work there is,
watching even older ex campers turn out to be such good ACs and counselors.
yelling at campers to line up and be quiet during dance/pe/sign language class,
and realizing -
during the week when you see them smile,
at closing ceremony when you see them perform,
and at the end of the week when you see them cry,
that all the sore throats and fatigue and stress was worth it

I miss camp a lot.