I just realized that my intent when I started this blog was to record my thoughts, feelings, etc at certain points during the day.
Lately as I realized how many weirdos (j/k) really read this, I've felt compelled to post more general, anecdote-like entries.
I begin to wonder; what's the point if I have to censor the more personal stuff? I mean, I know people read this, and some know waY to much about my life now.
Oh. For example. many people, 5 minutes after I posted it, where like "so.. you've got goldfish, huh?". I mean, it's cool. I don't mind that at all. It's just kinda interesting.
Chris and Christy met yesterday. She says, "Oh, you're the stinky competitive chris from absa". He says "oh, you're the one who has to analyze the bach's choral" (all from previous entries in blog). I thought that was hilarious, the fact they knew stuff about each other because I wrote it.. yet kinda eerie at the same time?
I know lots of people think I should be more anonymous when I talk about the people in my life, but I usually ask someone if I can quote them and stuff, and wouldn't ever put up personal stuff concerning them unless it really effected me, and even then I leave out names. Besides, this blog iS about me, and these people are people I know, so why leave it out?
So back to my soon-to-be-very-personal entry for today. (Warning: much rambling and stream-of-consciousness-like-sentences)
I have issues.
Now let's rewind back to high school.
Ever since I could remember, I've always felt like some sort of therapist. I loved analyzing people and their personalities, talking to them about their problems and figuring out whY they are the way they are. I think given enough time and cooperation from the other person in answering the questions truthfully, I can usually figure out how this person came to be this way. I'd like to think I'll have it down to a science one day.
I remember as a child I would sit under the table or in a corner when all the adults were gathered at parties or family reunions, and instead of playing with the other kids, I'd listen. I could sit quietly for hours and just take in everything I heard. As high school approached, self-esteem, relationship, and family issues all all of the sudden met in a head on collision with every adolescent that I knew, and usually I'd spend hours online talking to people. (this is where I learned to type quickly) I really liked it when someone felt a lot better or solved a problem in their life because I helped.
Wait. but I doubt now. DiD I ever help? I mean, I'd like to think so.. but everything I thought I used to know seems wrong now a days. let me know if I made any impact whatsoever? So I don't go kill myself or something out of realization that I made no difference being here? ugh. anyways.
I think occasionally I would confide in someone, but usually I turned it around and directed the conversation towards them and pumped theM for information on themselves. I would talk to friends when I had problems with school, family, or maybe gossipy problems about my relationship, but I realized that I never talked about how I felT. I'd talk about the situation, not what I was really thinking.
Now it's become a habit. I don't bother telling people how my day really was, how how I really feel. I'm always fine and maybe a little busy, but overall life was good. I just realized how often I did this when I caught myself just writing off people's questions towards me and I'd end up talking about their lives again. It was so much easier to analyze other people's lives. Maybe I was scared to analyze myself? or i have the emotional constipation I accuse others of having.
I was gonna type this whole long thing about what I figured out my problem is, but now I feel it's too personal and long to explain by typing anyways. Basically I feel I am becoming more commitment phobic and start a 'relationship' because I'm intrigued what by what I can't have, go after it, do everything to get it, get it, and just stop. I can't seem to get past that stage. I finally realized today why I do that. Now guys will probably avoid me like the plague, and girls will think I'm a ho. Oh well. At least I"m being honest, righT? Take it as a warning? For the sake of your emotional health, stay away.
If you care to know what this weird complex that I have is, I can tell you face to face sometime. IM and ask. But personal things are best discussed in person. I feel I don't do that enough anymore anyways.. And don't be surprised if I write you off too.
Don't get me wrong. I do talk to people. I'm against the whole keeping it to yourself thing. It's not healthy. I'm happy with where i am i life right now, with what i have, etc. I'm grateful. i've just got some inner turmoil. I've got different friends that I talk to different aspects of my life about, and that works for now.