There is a huge chance I will have horrible grades this semester. And not just in a few classes.
One test was just ridiculously, maddenly hard, one I sure as hell hope was graded wrong because I could've sworn I got an A (i'm not the only one..), and one I just hated. Nothing is final, but the odds are not good. At least I know now I will never let myself get a B again. EVER.
I have never felt more like crap.
No wonder suicide rates go up during finals
If I don't kill myself, my mom will.
I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I am defined by what letter grade I get.
I know, I know, it's all bout how much you learned, but I've always been anal about the end result counting the most.
I know it was because she wanted me to strive higher, and do my best and all, but my mom was always a number person.
What grade, what sat score, what psat, what gpa, what rank. Even now she's hounding me for what grades I got, how I think I did, etc. It's bad enough I could never live up to her expectations, but now those expectations have become ingrained in me, and I am now unable to live up to myself. Ever.
People keep asking me how I felt my wonderful first semester of college was. As I think back, I honestly feel I have really accomplished nothing. Everything I worked so hard for and had such high expectations in I failed. We didn't even make finals in the competition, my stupid slide show screwed up in front of everyone, I'm getting the worst grades this semester I ever had in my life. They do say craP luck comes in threes....
But it wasn't luck. And what makes it worse is that I can only blame myself. I should've done test run on the laptop, I should've studied harder, I should've I should've I should've.
I can't believe it. Here I am this stupid brat that has been spending too much money in college, I don't work, I don't have anything to complain about, and I can't even get all As.
I don't know what to do. I can't let it go. How could I let this happen? WHY am I such a moron?
...
I can't imagine feeling better anytime soon. I will berate myself for this for the rest of the winter break.
Please do not talk to me out of pity. I will know it if you do. I am just ranting, k?
Besides, no one understands my stupid mixture of unnatainable ambitious, unexplainable lazyness, and umlimited disappointments.
I truly suck.