Hey I just remembered my dream last night.
It was SO real.
I don't remember the beginning, but I was driving with someone somewhere. I think to maybe watch a movie?
Anyways, on the way back, the sky was very very gray, causing all the buildings and streets and cars to look very bleak and gray also. It was slightly drizzling and getting colder and colder. I turn onto this on ramp, and it takes me in the wrong direction and I realize I'm kinda lost. Then I drive until I see this mall I recognize - it's gray also, and I ask my passenger if it's ok if we stop there; pretending like I intended to go there. Of course I'm not going to admit I don't know what I'm doing. I figure I can redirect myself while I'm calm and sitting in the mall.
The part where we're in the mall passes, and on the way out it's still gray and depressing and I start to panic about being lost again. The passenger says that hE can drive, and embarassed that I don't know where I'm going, I agree to actually let him drive my car.
He takes it onto this really really really high highway ramp.. it's very scary. He starts driving way too fast. I try to tell him to stop, but he won't. I try to grab control of the wheel, lean over and hit the brakes, but I can't.
We break through the concrete side of the ramp.... and I scream as we go flying. He's still kinda calm - telling me we'll make it to the other side and land on another ramp. I don't believe him.
Then I realize we're falling. In slow mo. Like you can see the rain fall at the same speed all around us. Bits of concrete also shower down slowly.
I don't remember the crash, just the split second after. I remember feeling my head hurt so badly, throbbing. My arms and legs couldn't move, they were so sore/broken. I couldn't really move my neck and I looked around and knew that I was in a lot of trouble. Then I remembered the landing, but as a flashback. I hurt a lot.
The worst feeling wasn't the pain I was in at the present, but the not knowing what was going to happen next, and the helpless feeling of not being able to control it. And of course, my berating myself for letting it happen.

I wonder if this symbolizes my own fear of losing control and direction, and even more so: my fear of letting someone elSe take control - the results were far worse.
The grey grey grey was just my mood I guess. I've been pretty down lately.
So in conclusion I am anal retentive and paranoid about my choices: in school, in clubs, with people, in life - agonizing over everything. I hate to be wrong and I hate making bad choices.
But even worse - I'm an overly cautious control freak that hates other people helping me.
The crash was a manifestation of what could happen if I don't figure out what's going on in my life BY myselF and let someone/something else in my life take over.
yeah. deep, man.
And why was the passenger a guy? Well naturally, the person who makes me feel embarassed to admit failure, the peer who makes me feel unequal, the gender who tries to take control and then fails miserably is going to be male.

I've witnessed, admitted, and straight up been told that "guys who are aggressive and opinionated are leaders, girls who are aggressive and opinionated are bitches"
I'm finding it increasingly harder as I get older to be a girl. I feel some weird societal demand for me to not speak tot forwardly or loudly in groups I don't know, and then what happens is some loud mouthed guy takes over. He may not be that smart or responsible, but he's loud. And he's taller than me. And he's a guy.
Ironic that I, of all people, am afraid to be blunt? Screw you. I saiD 'with people I don't know' .. and usually that's when I need confidence the most. With organizations, team work, class, etc.
It's ok. That's just something I have to get over. I will.

But really. All my dreams are always stressful. I worry about every little aspect in my life. Me missing appointments, people backstabbing me, bfs cheating, failing tests, losing touch/influence with the people in my life, crashing, failing, falling.

I really can't remember the last time I had a nice dream.
Maybe when I stop stressing so much in real life.