i look back to the past so much now.

i think because i'm in a transition period in my life - everything is morphing and i keep trying to hold on the the shreds of the past. it was familiar; it was certain. i'm scared of the new things.

this fall semester has been such a change - last year i played too hard; i think this year i overloaded myself. last year i felt so childish and stupid and naive; this year i feel so much more tired and cynical and old. in my rush to 'grow up' i absorbed too much of the 'real world'.
i'm exhausted. like a fire inside has been almost extinguished. i can't seem to find a balance.

i feel so lost and confused. i want to go back to the old times. but i don't really want to. i can't learn any more from it; nothing is surprising or interesting or new. i took from it already all that i can.

but the future scares me. i want to know what the hell is going to happen to me. i want to learn more, experience more, but i'm too paranoid to really let myself do it.

it's like i'm running forward yet looking back the whole time; i can't keep doing this - sooner or later i'll fall, i know it. but i'm scared to completely let go and let fate or whatever the hell controls this stuff take me wherever i'm supposed to go.

i guess this is normal. not a kid, not an adult. blah blah 'finding yourself'
these are the best years of my life.
i shouldn't waste so much time thinking.
i think too much.