wtf is wrong with me
Is it just me or do you just feel less and less as you get older?
I remember freshmen year when everything was so new and exciting and fun. Now everything is just routine and boring and blah.
I read one of my old entries, and it surprised me how dramatic and passionate I used to feel about everything. I hated this, I loved that. I went from spending hours blogging about my feelings and thoughts and ideas to describing things matter-of-factly to recently not writing at all.
I used to be impulsive and crazy and emotional. Not that I'm not anymore, but I've had to repress it a lot. I used to be willing to put off anything just to play, and now I actually return e-mails and phone calls and mail in bills and crap right away; and it makes me feel old. Putting things off for that procrastinator's adrenaline rush isn't even fun anymore; it just makes me feel guilty. I purposely tried to put off doing this case for as long as possible, and I couldn't even do it. I just felt bad the entire night.
WTF happened!?! I want to be lazy and irresponsible and carefree, dammit.
It's like the older you get, the more responsibilities rein you in until you aren't allowed to say/feel/do/act certain things at certain times. You have to consider where you are, who you're talking to, how you're supposed to act, etc etc, until one day, you wake up and realize everything is regulated and you're no longer real or something. You're just a friggin robot going through the motions.
Smile when you're not happy. Listen when you want to scream. Stay calm when you want to freak out. Joke around when you want to cry. Apologize when you want to kick 'em in the nuts. Can you downplay your emotions 'temporarily' and 'out of tact' to the point where you don't know where they end up going?
I guess that's why all adults seem the same; dry and boring and responsible and crap.
I want to fight it but I'm afraid I'm losing...
I remember freshmen year when everything was so new and exciting and fun. Now everything is just routine and boring and blah.
I read one of my old entries, and it surprised me how dramatic and passionate I used to feel about everything. I hated this, I loved that. I went from spending hours blogging about my feelings and thoughts and ideas to describing things matter-of-factly to recently not writing at all.
I used to be impulsive and crazy and emotional. Not that I'm not anymore, but I've had to repress it a lot. I used to be willing to put off anything just to play, and now I actually return e-mails and phone calls and mail in bills and crap right away; and it makes me feel old. Putting things off for that procrastinator's adrenaline rush isn't even fun anymore; it just makes me feel guilty. I purposely tried to put off doing this case for as long as possible, and I couldn't even do it. I just felt bad the entire night.
WTF happened!?! I want to be lazy and irresponsible and carefree, dammit.
It's like the older you get, the more responsibilities rein you in until you aren't allowed to say/feel/do/act certain things at certain times. You have to consider where you are, who you're talking to, how you're supposed to act, etc etc, until one day, you wake up and realize everything is regulated and you're no longer real or something. You're just a friggin robot going through the motions.
Smile when you're not happy. Listen when you want to scream. Stay calm when you want to freak out. Joke around when you want to cry. Apologize when you want to kick 'em in the nuts. Can you downplay your emotions 'temporarily' and 'out of tact' to the point where you don't know where they end up going?
I guess that's why all adults seem the same; dry and boring and responsible and crap.
I want to fight it but I'm afraid I'm losing...
posted by Steph at 10:58 PM
4 Comments:
i dont think you feel any less as you grow up, just different feelings. Sure, it's not the same feelings as before, from when things were "easier", but then again, when we were little kids, we experienced the feeling of warm pee trickling down our legs, and when we were teenagers, we felt the angst of growing up in our awkward years, but are those feelings you want to feel all over again?
I think that things were "easier" before mainly because our decisions and actions affected one personally. Nowadays, responsibilities include dealing with other people and situations with many difficult decisions that affect not ONLY you, but others around you, but think of it as just another step in your progress.
Without this step, how will you be able to be a good parent to your kids, someone that they will look up to as "wise/mature/awe-inspiring/all-knowing". You know how we sometimes are so surprised that our parents know EXACTLY what we are thinking or plotting, its becuase they went through those same experiences themselves.
But you realize what our parents "looking back" as we look back on our younger years are thinking? Wow, I'm really glad I went through all that so that I can provide for my children to grow up in a loving and safe environment. After all, isn't that what we strive for?
Now this post is starting to make no sense, so I will leave you with this. Look at Kathy and Brian. They went through all that "reponsibility and growing up" so now that they are grown up and successful, they can be kids again.
GO DO YOUR DAMN CASE.. so you can play later.
wtf my writing sucks ass. i have no thought continuem.
I NEED THE NEEEEGOTIATOR to help edit.. like he did all of my HS essays. rofl.
wow ... so i'm not the only one who feels that way.
we ARE growing up even when we're not sure if we are ....
Hey you.
You are just growing up. Growing up comes with responsibilities, and you have to have self control. Yes, you are right, you sort of have to hide your emotions more and more as you get older. But let me tell you it's a good thing that you do and that you realize that you do.
It sounds so horrible to say that Stephanie, you should now hide your feelings. No, I am not saying that. I am just saying that in the real world, when everyone around you are NOT your friends, it is crucial that you don't let others read you so easily. They will take advantage of you. But that is the real world.
It's ok to express your emotions around people you know and trust. The fact that you are cognizant of your surroundings and the people you are with means you are growing up! It's quite scary, I know, but it's ok...it happens. :) And I think I told another ABSAer this too, but I think one can never complete "growing up". Every time I experience something, I think ok, now I am grown up. But then it happens again, and again and again, I realize how naive I used to be...(and probably still am)...so I'm still growing up too...
Don't worry. There is nothing wrong with you. I know you will find that balance between being who you are and having that self control. :)
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